I’m a Terrible Planner.

April 26, 2017

I’ve been struggling with anxiety.

Not the mental disorder.

Just the natural stress and worries related to senioritis, work, and health combined.

The past two weeks have been really rough on me.

I’ve had trouble breathing and relaxing in general. Taking deep breaths are really hard these days.

I constantly feel like I’m going to throw up. But it’s interesting that I don’t feel nauseous. It’s all lodged in my throat suffocating me.

I know it’s related to my stress.

I was falling behind in school and graduation is creeping on me faster than I’d like.

I haven’t been prioritizing very well. I’ve spent too much time doing what I want to do rather than doing what I have to do. I don’t even know when I’ll finish school. There is just so. much.

I am so ready to be done with high school. Forever.


May 12, 2017

My stress level has gone down some. I feel like I can breathe more deeply at times. However I still feel like I’ll throw up when I think about how close graduation is.

I’ve caught up in school and so far I’m on track to graduate after June 10th. The only subject I’m really worried about is Physics. I have the most work there out of all my other subjects…actually that’s not true. I have about the same work in English. But I like English more than Physics. I still hate Accounting. I need at least an 86 to pass for the year and I have two tests left. I’m really happy about the 92 I scored last week. (I’m really good at taxes but not really anything else.)

Work has picked up significantly. I’ve worked at the trophy shop for six months and we have now entered what I have been calling “Mayday.” Basically the entire month of May and the first part of June is nonstop work. There are so many phone calls and so many emails. There’s a lot of everything. Soccer, baseball, music recitals, dance recitals, end of school year awards, volleyball, softball, corporate quarterly and monthly awards. Everything. I’m hanging in there.

Most days are really draining for me. On the days I’m working, I get home and basically melt on the inside and crash on the outside. Then I force myself to go finish Business Math for the day because it’s easy stuff and I only have two more weeks left. (After that’s done, I’m taking on more Physics.)

On the weekends, I pretty much spend all my time studying. I’ve had to say no to babysitting till after graduation. The last time I sewed was last week. I finished some burlap table toppers for Ms. Alice only because she needs them before June and I agreed beforehand to do them. Besides that, I won’t be sewing till after graduation.

Originally, I had planned to do so much work in 9th, 10th, and 11th grade that I could take it easy my senior year. I knew I would get a job during my last year. But even with all the work I did and with all the extra time I had before I started working, I managed to put everything off till the last minute. I spent way too much time doing what I wanted to do rather than focusing on what I absolutely had to do. My priorities went topsy-turvy and now I’m struggling to stay balanced and take deep breaths.

I wish I listened to my parents earlier rather than later. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like I’ll throw up.

Sixteen.

I’m turning seventeen in a matter of days. I’m trying not to think about it because I’m actually kind of dreading it. Let me explain: My goal in life was to turn sixteen. I know, it’s a silly goal, but that was my dream. I had this idealized version of what my sweet sixteenth year would look like ever since I was a little girl. Like, I would be driving, working, possibly graduating, hanging out with friends with no adults around, and enjoying the privileges an adult has without having the expectations to fulfill their responsibilities.

Well, let me tell you that my sweet sixteen was nothing like that. I don’t know how to drive, I don’t have a job, I’m still in school, and I haven’t gone out with a single person other than my family ever since we’ve moved.

If I’m completely honest, sixteen was the worst year of my life. I dealt with some serious emotional, spiritual, and relational problems all throughout my sixteenth year. I wrestled with all kinds of change. And I think this was the year that God really got ahold of me and had me face all of the issues I was keeping inside of me for years. Which, is a good thing because looking back, I really needed to do that. But gosh, it was so painful; I never want to go through that again.

The thought of being a year older and facing all of the changes, good or bad, accompanying it gives me some anxiety. Some people have already made the comment that I’m almost an adult. That thought gives me even more anxiety. I’m not ready to be an adult! This past year has shown me that I’m not ready–that I’m not as prepared for adulthood as I thought I was.

Last night, Mr. Blais gave a study on the book of Ruth. Throughout the whole study he reminded me that life is full of choices: good ones, bad ones, better ones, and the best ones. And with that thought in mind, I can see that if I had made some better choices in the past, this year would probably have been a whole lot easier. Maybe that’s why I’m dreading my seventeenth year of living. I’m going to have to make choices that are a little harder than whether I’m going to do Algebra today or tomorrow. I’m going to have to decide what I’m going to do after I graduate, where am I going to go to college, am I even going to go to college, who am I going to date (when the time comes), what am I going to say to those who disagree with my decisions, how am I going to live my life?


So, here’s what I found this morning that calmed my anxious heart.

“that we who first trusted in Christ should be to the praise of His glory.” (Ephesians 1:12)

“For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10

“That He (Jesus) would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, 17 that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— 19 to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:16-19)

” Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.: (Ephesians 4:29)

“For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of the Spirit[b] is in all goodness, righteousness, and truth), 10 finding out what is acceptable to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:8-10)

” Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:3-4)

“Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!

Let your gentleness be known to all men. The Lord is at hand.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:4-7)

“and you are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power.” (Colossians 2:10)

And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.” (Colossians 3:17)