April 26, 2017
I’ve been struggling with anxiety.
Not the mental disorder.
Just the natural stress and worries related to senioritis, work, and health combined.
The past two weeks have been really rough on me.
I’ve had trouble breathing and relaxing in general. Taking deep breaths are really hard these days.
I constantly feel like I’m going to throw up. But it’s interesting that I don’t feel nauseous. It’s all lodged in my throat suffocating me.
I know it’s related to my stress.
I was falling behind in school and graduation is creeping on me faster than I’d like.
I haven’t been prioritizing very well. I’ve spent too much time doing what I want to do rather than doing what I have to do. I don’t even know when I’ll finish school. There is just so. much.
I am so ready to be done with high school. Forever.
May 12, 2017
My stress level has gone down some. I feel like I can breathe more deeply at times. However I still feel like I’ll throw up when I think about how close graduation is.
I’ve caught up in school and so far I’m on track to graduate after June 10th. The only subject I’m really worried about is Physics. I have the most work there out of all my other subjects…actually that’s not true. I have about the same work in English. But I like English more than Physics. I still hate Accounting. I need at least an 86 to pass for the year and I have two tests left. I’m really happy about the 92 I scored last week. (I’m really good at taxes but not really anything else.)
Work has picked up significantly. I’ve worked at the trophy shop for six months and we have now entered what I have been calling “Mayday.” Basically the entire month of May and the first part of June is nonstop work. There are so many phone calls and so many emails. There’s a lot of everything. Soccer, baseball, music recitals, dance recitals, end of school year awards, volleyball, softball, corporate quarterly and monthly awards. Everything. I’m hanging in there.
Most days are really draining for me. On the days I’m working, I get home and basically melt on the inside and crash on the outside. Then I force myself to go finish Business Math for the day because it’s easy stuff and I only have two more weeks left. (After that’s done, I’m taking on more Physics.)
On the weekends, I pretty much spend all my time studying. I’ve had to say no to babysitting till after graduation. The last time I sewed was last week. I finished some burlap table toppers for Ms. Alice only because she needs them before June and I agreed beforehand to do them. Besides that, I won’t be sewing till after graduation.
Originally, I had planned to do so much work in 9th, 10th, and 11th grade that I could take it easy my senior year. I knew I would get a job during my last year. But even with all the work I did and with all the extra time I had before I started working, I managed to put everything off till the last minute. I spent way too much time doing what I wanted to do rather than focusing on what I absolutely had to do. My priorities went topsy-turvy and now I’m struggling to stay balanced and take deep breaths.
I wish I listened to my parents earlier rather than later. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like I’ll throw up.
If You Were Here 
Just keep doing what you are doing. Even though we often have to postpone things we would prefer doing to the onerous tasks, we still have to just do the onerous tasks. I once asked a friend how she managed to get so much done at home when she worked like the rest of us and her reply was, “I just keep doing what needs to be done”. It was great lesson for me – just keep at it. Takes self discipline but you have that and you are spending more time worrying than concentrating. Just one step at a time. You can do it. And, yes, I know how work is …..after all I’ve been associated with that type business for more than 40 years.
Love you, Big Ruth
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Courage, dear heart, you know? You’ll do great. Just keep your eye on the goal and remember to give yourself time for rest. I’m pretty sure God gave us the sabbath for a reason. 😉
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