Here I am, with a cup of hot tea because my fingers are frozen. I wish I could tell you that I’m doing great and that life is good. But that wouldn’t be honest of me. This week was one of the hardest weeks yet.
This week was a roller coaster. My feelings are all over the place and once I get them under control, something happens that sends me scrambling to recollect them and recompose myself. I experienced confidence and determination that later mixed with anxiety. Angry words and hot tears were reconciled with peace agreements. But those agreements were broken and all that remains is a searing pain in my heart. I’ve lost count of the times when I wanted to say something but chose not to because so-and-so wouldn’t agree with me and would just defensively bash me on the head so why bother? It was just my personal preference and he was rubbing me the wrong way. I was annoyed and he was annoying so it’s not a big deal, right? What I was going to say wouldn’t matter to him anyway. I know him too well.
I have so much internal conflict and none of that seems to have resolved. I want answers from God but it’s like He’s left me hanging. What I find in my Bible is encouraging, but I’m not finding clear answers. I need direction and wisdom because I’m feeling lost. Maybe I’m too frustrated, angry, and confused to see or think straight. I’m furious that hurt hearts take a long time to heal and even though the pain eventually subsides, scars remain.
People are jerks sometimes.
You will get bruised and cut over and over again to where you become numb or callused to the pain.
They didn’t mean it. Don’t let it get to you. You need to lighten up. Life sucks sometimes and we all have bad days. We make bad decisions and end up hurting people. They’re just as human as you. Think of all the times you screwed up and hurt someone you love.
I’m not doing great. I am not okay. I want a do-over but I’m not getting one. I do, however, have tomorrow to look forward too. It is fresh with no mistakes in it…yet. That’s my chance to do better than today. But today still sucks. I’m still struggling with my feelings. I have for weeks. I’m trying to bring myself to give my problems over to God and let Him take over but it’s hard! I’m in the middle of a war. What I feel is real, but how do I fight it? I shouldn’t be feeling discouraged, empty, and negative for so long. I shouldn’t let myself be like this for so long. So, I’m trying to push these feelings aside, bury them deep, do everything in my power not to let them control me. I’m starting to feel like Elsa.
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.
I know God hasn’t left me. He promised He never would. So why do I feel alone? I know He loves me. He’s proved that over and over again. Then why is there emptiness? I don’t even know the reason why I feel that way. The reasons are unclear so having a conversation about something that I can’t seem to grasp is pointless. I’m trying to figure out what the problem is and how I can fix it.
I’m trying to be a good example. To be that girl who loves the Lord and does everything to His glory. That girl who is always smiling and cheerful. That girl who loves others more than herself and is courageous in spite of how she feels. Unfortunately, that’s not me. I love the Lord and I want to please Him more than anything. But I’m struggling with loving right now. Loving the ones who aren’t exactly loving towards me. I’m also afraid. Afraid that I’m failing God and that I’m less than what He wants me to be. Afraid that I’m letting people down. I’m afraid I’m wearing a mask and I’m wondering how many people I have deceived.
When you ask me how I am, I say “I’m good,” or “I’m doing fine.” I really meant it at the time, but that’s because at the moment, everything that was discouraging me vanished. I felt fine and good. The emptiness and heartache stopped, so I genuinely smiled and laughed. But then they returned as quickly as they left, leaving me to feel like I’m fake.
I’m trying to choose joy and to fill myself with happy thoughts. Thoughts about Heaven, about the Lord and what He’s doing. I’m trying to think about the people God has placed in my life and how blessed I am to do life with them. I’m trying to console myself by telling myself that I’m not alone. That this storm shall pass and everything will be okay.
But I’m not okay. Not right now.